Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I stole a fireplace last night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
