i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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