i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
