My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
