Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
