hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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