Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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