How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
