I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
