I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize