I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
