I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Of course I have a pirate flag
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
