Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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