hell yes lets make some ravioli
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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