It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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