I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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