My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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