you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
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you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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