just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
