it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
