The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
