Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
