hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
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I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.