yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
