omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
