Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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