So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
