I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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