this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
