You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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