It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
