I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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