I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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