My vagina just recognized that song.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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