I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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