Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
