I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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