i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
