happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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