she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
