I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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