god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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