My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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