Pappa wants mamma naked
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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