Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
