just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
