Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
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there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
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Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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