the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Two words: nipple clamps
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