I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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