Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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