Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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