If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
