I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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