Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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