i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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