I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
