meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
