Barsexuality is the new black.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
