I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
