I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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