I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
