Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Are we still banned from the library?
What a dumb baby whore.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
